If I were a Superhero

If I had super strength, I’d like to think

I’d use it to stop falling buildings from

Crushing people or keep runaway trains from

Running away over pedestrians.

But let’s be honest, I’d probably use it to

See how many people I could lift at one

Time or to win the heavy-weight lifting

Gold medal in the Olympics.

 

If I had the power of teleportation, I’d like to think

I’d use it to transport civilians

Out of harm’s way or to send

Bombs into outer space.

But let’s be honest, I’d use it to teleport

All of my takeout home, show up to work

On time when I slept through my alarm and

Mooch on people’s Netflix when they’re not at home.

 

If I had laser eyes, I’d like to think

I’d use them to weld falling bridges

Back together or to stop a manic villain

From menacing a bank.

But let’s be honest, I’d be using those suckers

To keep my coffee at the optimal

Heat level or to reheat my bath water

Long after my toes have gone pruney.

 

If I had telepathy, I’d like to think

I’d use it to help my team communicate or

To influence bad guys to

Stop robbing people at gunpoint.

But let’s be honest, I’d be using it to annoy

People I didn’t like by singing Gangnam Style,

Single Ladies, or Party in the USA in their heads.

Repeatedly.

 

If I could turn invisible, I’d like to think

I’d use it to infiltrate bad guy lairs so that

I could put a stop to take-over-the-world plans

Before they happened.

But let’s be honest, I’d use it to pull people’s chairs

Out from under them as they went to sit

Or to hide all of the cell phones so everyone

Would have to make eye contact on the subway.

 

If I could control the weather, I’d like to think that

I’d use it to prevent droughts or tsunamis

Or tornados or any manner of

Natural disaster.

But let’s be honest, I’d make it rain all the time

Because I’m a grumpy artistic soul

And I need the atmosphere

Most conducive to my creativity.

 

If I had the power of flight, I’d like to think

I’d use it to rescue people

Trapped in unsound structures

Or to carry them away from explosions.

But let’s be honest, I’d use it to exact revenge

On the birds who strafed my car

Or to deposit myself on theme park rides

When the line was too long.

 

In other words, if I were a superhero,

I’d be a lousy superhero.

Too busy seeing that my quirks were satisfied,

To make sure that nobody died.

Don’t tell me you wouldn’t do it too,

If something magical happened to you.

But perhaps it’s best

That my powers are at rest.

Because let’s be honest,

If a superhero I were made to be,

The world would need rescuing from me.