Well, hey, I’m not dead…and I’m back with a non-fiction, non-poetry post, so if that’s not  your thing, feel free to check back whenever I next decide to brush the dust off of this blog and post again. But if you’re interested in transitions, wrestling with purpose and placement, and my favorite BTS member, Yoongi, read on.

Anyone who knows me fairly well knows I love kpop. I try not to broadcast it too loudly because people think I’m weird for sharing the interests of the average middle schooler. Which….fair. I’m weird. I won’t deny that. But I like kpop for the same reason I like anime (oh no, another weird middle school interest!) – the artists often put more effort, design, thought, and purpose into their creations than most mainstream media.

Sure, there is still the random off shoot of the nonsensical anime episode – I’m looking at you, Durarara, with your hilarious but what-the-heck episode of “alien” invasions – and there are those really shallow kpop songs about boyfriends and nothing else. But go watch Seventeen and EXO’s choreography, or look up the lyrics of (most) BTS songs, and you’ll find some amazing ideas and top-notch creativity.

Anywho, defense of kpop aside, I always look up lyrics to the songs I listen to – this is probably a left over from my Dad, who would make me print out the lyrics of songs I wanted to buy and explain to him why they were worth listening to. It was a pain, but one I’m grateful for now because it forced me not to mindlessly take in entertainment and really evaluate what I am watching/listening to.

So I look up English translations of all my kpop songs so I know what I’m listening to even though I don’t speak Korean. This led to me falling in love with BTS, who wrestle with ideas about depression, friendship, and yes, love, in most of their songs. However, I do also have the unfortunate tendency to find a band shortly before they get super famous  and then their songs start to become stale, dry, pop repetitions of sex, money, and fame. This sadly seemed the case with BTS’s latest album of “Map of Soul: Persona” – which was full of self-love, self-patting-on-the-back congratulations (with the exception of Mikrokosmos and Make it Right, I’ll give them a pat myself). I was bummed because I really enjoyed BTS.

And then came Suga with his Interlude: Shadow.

At first, I started listening with disappointment as he started to rap about how he wanted to be famous and rich and all that junk (come on, Suga, I’ve heard better from you!), but then he started talking about how he feels lonely and that soaring so high can often come with great plunges and greater bouts of failure and fear. His chorus is poignant and telling:

“I pray, pray, hoping to be okay

The moment I’m flying high as I wished

My shadow grows in that blasting stark light

Please don’t let me shine”

Well hold on…suddenly I found myself relating.

Now, I’m not famous, nor do I wish to be – I don’t have a million plus followers, so where am I going with this?

I’ll take you back to my childhood again when I heard Luke 12:48 for the first time: “Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.”

I distinctly remember praying when I was little – more than once – “Oh Lord, please don’t give me much. I’m good with a little. A little would be great.”

And then there were verses like 1 Corinthians 6:3 “Do you not know that we are to judge angels? How much more, then, matters pertaining to this life!”

And I would pray, “God, I don’t want to rule over angels. I don’t want to be in charge. Please don’t put me in charge of anything.”

Many people would talk about how in heaven, we would be put in charge of different things and made rulers and I was very concerned and just wanted to get to heaven without having to be a ruler. In my mind, anything with “leadership,” “ruling,” “authority” – they all meant more responsibility, more risk, more failure, and, in my mind most importantly, more chances to hurt and disappoint the people I was closest to.

As I got older,  I started to recognize that God, indeed, had given me much. I have an amazing family, who provided me with a great education. I was able to be a part of some wonderful churches, I was able to go on to get my undergrad and my masters degree. And I was and am truly grateful for all of those things, but, with a sinking feeling, I started to realize that the verse I always pushed away with trepidation was starting to come true – much had been given, now much was going to have to be required.

Here’s where I found myself relating to Suga – I didn’t want to shine, I didn’t want to have much to be responsible for.

So I….packed my bags and moved to Malaysia to be put in charge of a library in a school that is only in its second year. (Ok, that’s not entirely true – I was definitely called to Malaysia and felt God leading me there – see my previous post, but you get my point hopefully 😛 ).

Talk about not having responsibilities! I have so many responsibilities I didn’t even know existed, responsibilities that I was not told about in my interview, responsibilities I was not trained for, and responsibilities that I did train for, was told about in my interview, and did expect.

Those first few months in Malaysia were a whirlwind of “what the heck am I doing?” and watching my students, wondering “What the heck are they doing?”, while the rest of the school was trying to put policies in place so that everyone else would know what the heck they were doing.

And then came Christmas break – three blissful weeks of being able to catch my breath and look back at the chaos that the last few months had been. I went home and saw my family and friends, felt their love and support, and….suffered panic attacks thinking about coming back to work. Everyone was so excited for me and eager to hear what I was doing and I was a wreck, thinking of all the ways I had failed during the past few months and how ready I was to throw in the towel.

I couldn’t handle it and I desperately pleaded with God, “I can’t do this. I can’t do this – it’s too much, I’m too dumb, I’m not equipped!”

These thoughts followed me back to Malaysia, followed me back through this past week of school – but I was reminded of something that my Malaysian pastor said in one of his sermons, “God did not call us to serve in our strength, for if we were called to serve in our strength, we would have no need to be dependent on Him.”

And that’s when I realized, yes, much is required of those who have been given much – but that doesn’t mean the One who gave in the first place suddenly left me with all the responsibility and no help. People used to tell me, “God never gives you more than you can handle” – that is a straight up, though well-meaning, lie. God absolutely gives me more than I can handle – because He wants me to come to Him with those burdens and surrender them to Him. He wants me to come to the end of myself so that I can see Him work out all things for His glory and for the purpose to which He has called me.

I’m still wrestling. Boy, am I wrestling. I’m still not sure if I am going to be in this overseas library job longer than my two year contract, as the unseen pressure here urges me to be. But I am here for two years. And I have been called here for two years – of this, I am certain. I have the tasks that have been given me. And yes, I will fail. I still feel that haunting pressure that Suga sings about – of not wanting to shine, not wanting to fly too high, too afraid to fall, too afraid to fail.

But I know the One who shines and dispels all darkness. I know the One who has called me and I know that whatever ways I fail and fall, God has designed even those to, as the old hymn puts it, consume my dross and refine my gold. Because God is “the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change” (James 1:17). And He who has no variation or shadow due to change can break through my darkness and is the voice behind me who says, “This is the way, walk in it” (Isaiah 30:21).

And I’m also learning, it’s really not about me shining anyway – it’s about Christ shining through me.