(Photo from my hike on Gyejoksan Trail (계족산 황톳길) a few days ago)

Lent always sneaks up on me. I knew it was coming up soon and so I looked it up the other day and saw to my surprise that it had already started. With a sinking heart, I started berating myself that I’m such a bad Christian, that I can’t even keep up with one of the more important Christian seasons, followed quickly by the thought that, “Well, it’s too late to do anything now, so why bother?”

God was quick to gently correct my defeatist heart and attitude. It’s not an all-or-nothing attitude that I should be embracing. Instead, I should reset, refocus, be still – what does God want me to do now?

It’s been an extremely difficult start to the New Year, both work-wise and in my own personal life. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m going through a significant depressive episode.

But even though I’ve been struggling, I know that I have been here before and God has met me here before and I will get out of here again by His grace. It is a gift He has given me to know that these seasons come, but I don’t have to live here. It’s the comfort of knowing He walks beside me in these valleys, whereas in earlier days, I’d forget to even look to see that He was there all along. It is a comfort to know that growth has happened even if I didn’t see it. Though even that knowledge didn’t keep me from slipping into bad habits.

I have not been spending time with God as I should, so small wonder that my soul is struggling. Granted, I have made it harder on myself when I am attending a Korean church and only understand about 5 percent of what is going on and so my soul is not getting the instruction and deep church fellowship that it is used to. But I can also admit that I’ve just been going through the motions in my quiet times in the mornings, reading the required sections of Scripture and no more.

So God directed me there first. I’m trying to read through the Bible in a year – this would be the third time I have done so and I feel the same trap of just going through it in a rote manner instead of digging deep closing in around me. But I want to really engage with the Word this time and not just let it become a checklist of an activity to do every day.

So I thought I’d journal some reflections throughout.

This week I was reading through Judges. Ever since I went through Jen Wilkins’ study on Judges a few years ago, I’ve actually enjoyed digging deep into this book.

It is an extremely difficult and disturbing book and it follows right after the book of Joshua. Before his death, Joshua tells the people of Israel that if they obey the Lord, it will go well with them, but if they do not obey, judgment will come upon them.

Judges is a case study in people drifting away from God, misinterpreting His commands, and all the grief that comes from that.

Take Gideon, for example. I really relate to Gideon. He’s such a fearful man and he goes through a series of events with God where he keeps asking God, “Are you sure? Are you really sure you picked me for this job?” And every time God faithfully responds time and time again:

1. First Gideon has God make a fleece wet and the ground dry (Judges 6:37-38)
2. Then the next day he asks God to make the ground wet and the fleece dry (Judges 6:39-40)
3. Then when he is about to attack the Midianites, he is granted the opportunity to hear the enemies give a prediction that he (Gideon) will come and defeat them.

God is so patient with him and I am so encouraged by the fact that we can be fearful and question and obey with fear and trembling and yet God is there, encouraging and giving signs and grace we don’t deserve which results in a victory we don’t deserve.

Many people leave off with Gideon’s victory and I can understand why. It’s nice to leave on a high note. But that’s not where God leaves us. Instead we see that right after the defeat of the Midianites by Gideon, he collects gold jewelry from his men and makes an idol of out it, leading his people astray.

It’s so discouraging. Why would he do that after all he has seen God do on his behalf?

This is all conjecture on my behalf, because God’s Word doesn’t given us the details, but Gideon showed no inclination to inquire after the Lord after his victory. The big problem is taken care of and now he lapses back into his old ways. He doesn’t seek after the Lord and His Word.

And how often have I done just the same? I get through an extremely difficult season where I am trusting and dependent on God and then when life gets better, I fall into my same sinful patterns and habits.

I find it so much easier to believe and depend on God in times of trial and difficulty than when life is going well. But it’s because I don’t keep up the same habits that I do in seasons of difficulty. I am not as aware of my need for God – though it is still just as urgent – during times of “normal” life and day-to-day drudgery as when I am in a trial.

Just like the people of Israel who forget God and again do evil in His sight, I too can forget Him in my busy day to day and suddenly find myself struggling with spiritual drought, depression, and anxiety. And the answer is simple – He is always saying, “Draw near to me, my child, and I will draw near to you.”

God, teach me to be faithful to You in all seasons: good, bad, mundane, exciting. Teach me to value Your Word and have communion with You no matter what I am going through. Let me seek Your face at all times, be in and shaped by Your Word, and directed by Your Spirit at all times. Let me not grow weary of doing good.

“You have dealt well with your servant, O Lord, according to your word. Teach me good judgment and knowledge, for I believe in your commandments. Before I was afflicted, I went astray, but now I keep your Word. You are good and do good; teach me Your statutes” (Psalm 119:65-68)