It’s been a rough couple of months and I haven’t been wanting to write, but a couple of years ago I read The Book of Delights: Essays by Ross Gay (thanks to my friend, Sarah, for her amazing book recommendations!). I have always wanted to try something similar.

If you’re not familiar with the book, it follow Ross Gay as he tries to write about a “delight” that he finds every day. Not in a toxic positivity, “everything is amazing” way, but rather, what’s something, even if it’s the smallest little thing on the worst day, that delighted him? He covers some amazing topics, including how he finds delight even when he’s experiencing racism or prejudice. He’s deep and you should give him a read.

So, I thought I’d try something similar. Something to lift my spirits and help me not focus so much on the things that are depressing me right now. Something to help me appreciate the little joys and delights a bit more.

It’s not going to be as deep as Ross Gay’s musings. There’s probably not going to be a post every day because I’m struggling to just get work done and finish the school year out as best as I can in a pandemic-ridden world and I know I won’t be able to write every day.

But, if you’re interested, stay tuned. Here’s my first “delight” from a few days ago.

After we finished our Zoom meeting for church and ate lunch, I found myself curled up in a depressed little ball on my bed for the rest of the afternoon.

If you had asked me what I expected life to look like two years into living in Malaysia, I certainly couldn’t have predicted that we would be in our third lockdown since March 2020. Nor would I have thought my world would shrink to two places: my school building and my apartment. Nor would I be able to capture the heaviness of spirit that weighs on all of the people I encounter throughout my days. The weariness on teachers’ faces as we try to encourage one another to hang in there, pray against depression and anxiety, and fight for joy to display to our students, who are just as done with this school year as we are….if not more so.

I couldn’t bring myself to do much this past weekend – we even had an extended four day weekend due to Hari Raya. But with the inability to go anywhere, aside from getting extra sleep, I found that the break just drove me further into restlessness…to get away from here, to be done with everything, to go home.

That Sunday afternoon especially found me in a lethargy I couldn’t shake.

I slept.

Played Super Mario Sunshine ’cause my brain wanted to go back to my childhood.

Watched my latest Kdrama (Tale of the Nine-Tailed, for those who want to know) because Lee Dong-Wook makes my heart happy. And then felt guilty because we had just heard a sermon about Jesus and how He had endured suffering for our sake and we must look to Him for our example and support.

Then I felt worse because I’m not even really suffering. Sure, my world has shrunk and the days are long and the work seems endless at times, but I have a safe home, food, and a fantastic community who supports me so well. Compared to all the rest of the world, with conflicts in Israel, Palestine, Myanmar, suffering in India, and unrest/racial tension in my home country, I have it pretty easy.

So why can’t I roll out of the bed and do something instead of just stare at the ceiling fan whirling above my head?

I barely moved all day. While I couldn’t do anything useful, I also couldn’t stay balled up in my little corner anymore.

So I grabbed my phone, keycard, and headphones and headed out to the other place we’re allowed to go: the jogging track around our neighborhood.

The sun was going down, so it wasn’t as hot, but that muggy Malaysian air enveloped me almost as soon as I exited my apartment. It smelled faintly of smoke, as it usually does and I debated for a moment to stay inside. The air pollution aggravates my allergies like nothing else, but my restless brain wouldn’t let me go back inside.

I popped in my headphones and listened to a podcast about writing (Sarah Werner’s Write Now, if anyone’s interested) and remembered that I also wanted to write and felt guilty about wasting so much time not writing.

Remembered how I wanted to write about delight and joy, just like Ross Gay’s Book of Delights.

How it seemed so necessary for my own sake right now to remember joy – not in a toxic positivity sort of way, but in a “not everything sucks” way.

How my own lethargy and inability to motivate myself killed that desire before I ever posted my first delight – still written down and tucked away in a notebook in my school bag, waiting to see the light of day.

And again, why couldn’t I just suck it up and do something useful that I know would help me? And if I couldn’t do that, surely it was even more impossible to pick up my cross and follow after Jesus. And I certainly couldn’t count it all joy when met with various trials.

Instead, I could only focus on how tired I am no matter how much sleep I get.

So even listening to a podcast while walking was bringing me down.

But then I turned the corner and there he was: a beautiful calico kitten, meowing and waiting to be pet.

I put a pause on the podcast, extended a hand, gave him a little scratch, rewarded with a purr for my efforts. I moved on….he followed me, meowing all the way.

Ok then, let’s get comfortable.

Shoes off, sitting smack dab in the middle of the sidewalk, calico cat squirming up under my fingers to get that spot behind his ears. Several minutes passed. I glanced up, startled to see another cat, slightly bigger, looking much more suspicious, probably momma cat.

I extended a hand for her to sniff, but her unimpressed expression let me know that she was not as easily persuaded as her offspring. She settled on the wall behind us, content to observe and intervene if necessary. Two other kittens, one who looked practically scandalized that their sibling was letting a human touch them, settled a few feet in front of me. She gave me wide-eyed disdain that was too funny looking to match her mother’s aloofness. The last kitten parked itself as far away as it could from the rest of us, but still close enough to see the action and be a part of it if necessary.

Introvert.

I feel you.

So the friendly kitten and I curled around each other and watched the sky turn a spectacular shade of orange, pink, yellow.

And I thought, God brings simple pleasures too. Joy and delight if we look for it. He didn’t have to bring four random cats my way or paint the sky so vividly when most, including myself, would ignore it in favor of getting to the next task, the next distraction.

But here, fur under my fingertips, clouds accenting the canvas, quiet settling over the neighborhood….here is peace.

And sometimes, it’s okay to just be and rest in that peace. To cease striving, cease worrying, cease trying to do and instead lean back, and calm and quiet my soul, “like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me ” (Psalm 131:2).

Like a kitten content to be snuggled while it’s momma watches nearby.